Curtain up on busy village square.† People are bustling about, children playing, if room permits then a some merchants selling things like fruit and vegetables from stalls.
SONG 1 Lively chorus number sung by villagers.
SILLY BILLY enters right.
BILLY:† Hi everyone.
VILLAGERS:† Hi Billy.
BILLY: †Iím glad youíre all here actually, I can now make my report.† Iíve done a patrol of the entire village and Iím happy to report that there are no strangers in the village.
VILLAGER 1 points to audience.
VILLAGER 1:† Who are they then?
BILLY:† (noticing audience) Ahh!† Where did they come from?† They must be some sort of stealth audience, I heard the military was developing one.† Well now that youíre here I suppose I should introduce myself.† My nameís Billy, and I live here in the village and itís my job to keep the village safe from any intruders that may come out of the woods on our borders.† Well, Iím training to do it anyway.† Master Will the huntsman is the real one whose job it is, heís just taken me on as his assistant. ††The trouble is, Iím not actually very good at it.† In fact Iím so bad at it that I think Will might be looking for a new assistant soon.† Tell you what, you could all help me out, help me to become a better huntsman.†† Every time I come on Iíll shout out, ďI seek them here, I seek them there,Ē and then you all shout back ďYou seek those monsters everywhereĒ.† Will you do that?
BILLY:† Great, letís have a practice.† (BILLY exits right then runs on again)† I seek them here, I seek them there...
AUDIENCE+CHORUS:† You seek those monsters everywhere.
BILLY:† Well that wasnít very good.† Youíre going to have to shout louder than that.† Letís have another go.† (BILLY exits then runs back on again)† I seek them here, I seek them there...
AUDIENCE+CHORUS:† You seek those monsters everywhere.
BILLY:† Well that was a bit better, but I still think you can shout louder than that.† Weíll give it one more go and this time I want you to make more noise than the (local WI) at a (latest boy band) concert.† (BILLY runs off and then runs back on again)† I seek them here, I seek them there...
AUDIENCE+CHORUS:† You seek those monsters everywhere!
BILLY:† That was great, that should convince Master Will that Iím a great hunter just like him.† Iím going to find him, heíll be so excited! †
BILLY exits left.† MOLLY enters right plainly excited.† She carries several traffic cones and begins to place them across the stage and pushes the chorus back behind them.
MOLLY:† Back, back, everyone get back!
VILLAGER 1:† Whatís going on?
VILLAGER 2:† Stop your shoving?
VILLAGER 3:† Molly, whatíre you doing?
MOLLY:† You have to get back, itís not safe for the little ones.
VILLAGER 1:† Whatís not safe?
MOLLY:† All of that singing and dancing you were doing earlier, if weíre not careful theyíll start doing the same and before you know it theyíll want to go running off to stage school.† Just think about it, a lifetime of lip-gloss and temper tantrums.† What would their parents say?† Now get back!† (MOLLY notices AUDIENCE)† Oh hello, more little ones.† Well I suppose I have time to talk to you until they arrive.† My nameís Nurse Molly and Iím in charge of looking after all the little boys and girls in the village.† Now Iím ever so excited, boys and girls, weíve got two new children arriving today.† Theyíre the niece and nephew of our local squire and heís agreed to look after them for a little while as their parents are a bit poorly.† (BARCLAY enters right and moves behind MOLLY as:)† Now Iíve just got to make sure that everything is perfectly safe.† I donít want any surprises to come leaping out at them.† (BARCLAY barks)† Ahhh!† Oh you stupid dog, you frightened the life out of me.† This is Barclay, boys and girls, and never a more useless dog have I ever had the misfortune to meet.† Wait a minute, Iíve got a great idea how we can keep the babes safe.† Weíll keep them safe by using Barclay as a guard dog.† Hereís what I want you to do, children, every time anybody shouts out ďhelp, help, helpĒ I want you all to shout ďBarclayĒ as loud as you can.† Will you do that?
AUDIENCE:† Yes. ††
MOLLY:† Great, letís have a practice.† Iíll pretend to be a babe...
VILLAGER 1:† Good luck.† ††
MOLLY:† Cheeky.† As I was saying, Iíll pretend to be the babes in trouble.† Ready?† Help, help, help!
BARCLAY lies down, uninterested.
MOLLY:† Well that wasnít very good, boys and girls.† Youíre going to have to do better than that.† Letís have another go.† Help, help, help!
BARCLAY rolls over.
MOLLY:† Thatís still not loud enough.† Letís have one more go.† Help, help, help!
BARCLAY gets to feet, alert, he barks and growls.
MOLLY:† Wonderful, boys and girls.† Just remember to do that every time anyone is in trouble.
HEATHER enters right.
HEATHER:† Hello, Molly.
MOLLY:† Hello, Heather.† This is Heather, boys and girls, sheís the daughter of the local squire and sheís getting married to Will, the local huntsman.
HEATHER:† Thatís if I can ever tie him down long enough to make plans.
†MOLLY:† I would give you some advice but tying men down have never been my strong point, they keep slipping my knots.† Are the children here yet?
HEATHER:† Theyíve just arrived, Father is bringing them now.
MOLLY:† Oh Iím so excited, I havenít had any little ones to look after since you were a girl.† You were so sweet and innocent, butter wouldnít melt in your mouth.† You were polite, well-spoken, helpful, caring, the most adorable little girl you could ever wish to meet.† Iím sure theyíll be just the same.
JEMIMA storms on right, looks right.
JEMIMA:† (shouting angrily)† Jeremy, if you donít wipe that stupid grin off your snotty face this instant Iíll slap you silly!
JEREMY enters right grinning.
JEREMY:† Iíd like to see you try.
HEATHER:† Whatís happened?
JEREMY:† She said her hair was all over the place and needed hold, so I gave it hold.
JEMIMA:† He put gum in my hair!
JEMIMA:† And he wets his bed!
JEREMY:† I do not!
JEMIMA:† Yes you do, you wet your bed so much a fish would drown in it.
MOLLY:† Children, children, settle down.
JEREMY:† What are you supposed to be?
MOLLY:† Iím your nurse, Dame Molly.
JEREMY:† You donít look much like a dame to me, you look like a man inÖ
The SQUIRE enters right looking haggard.
JEMIMA:† Uncle, I do hope you donít you donít expect us to be looked after by that do you?
SQUIRE:† I assure you that Molly is a most capable lady.
JEREMY:† If you say so, personally I think she could do with some more practice.
MOLLY:† You cheeky, littleÖ
MOLLY grabs JEREMY and JEMIMA by the ears.
JEREMY+JEMIMA:† Ow!† Help, help, help!
BARCLAY barks and growls.
MOLLY:† Not now, Barclay.† Sit!
SQUIRE:† I trust I can leave these two in your capable hands, Molly.
MOLLY:† Donít you worry, Squire, Iíll soon teach these two some manners
MOLLY leads JEREMY and JEMIMA off left by the ears.† VILLAGERS exit.
HEATHER:† Iím not sure who I feel sorry for the most, Molly or the children.
SQUIRE:† I think Molly can look after herself, and those two could use a little discipline.
HEATHER:† Did we do the right thing taking them in?
SQUIRE:† Oh yes, their parents are very ill and canít possibly look after them.† Though I do wonder if theyíre just making their illness up to get rid of them for a little while.† Now, if youíll excuse me, dear, I think I need a lie down.