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ACT 1

SCENE 1

VILLAGE SQUARE

 

 

 

Curtain up on village scene.VILLAGERS are milling about, one carries a tray of custard pies.

 

SONG 1 Lively chorus number performed by VILLAGERS.

 

ROSE enters upstage right, she is reading a book and not really looking where she is going.She bumps into VILLAGER 1 who has her back to ROSE.

 

VILLAGER 1:Hey, watch out!

 

ROSE backs away as:

 

ROSE:Oh Iím sorry.

 

ROSE bumps into VILLAGER 2.

 

VILLAGER 2:Watch where youíre going!

 

ROSE turns to VILLAGER 2 whilst back away from her as:

 

ROSE:Iím terribly sorry, I was justÖ

 

ROSE steps on VILLAGER 3íS foot.

 

VILLAGER 3:Ow!

 

VILLAGER 3 hops on one leg as:

 

ROSE:I really am sorry.

 

VILLAGER 3 hops into VILLAGER 4 who is carrying a tray of custard pies, VILLAGER 4 nearly drops pies, ROSE rushes over and grabs tray as:

 

ROSE:Iíve got them, Iíve got them, Iíve got them!

 

In her enthusiasm ROSE accidentally knocks VILLAGER 4 into VILLAGER 3 who knocks into another VILLAGER causing a domino effect ending up with all the villagers being knocked to the ground.Whilst this is happening ROSE is staggering around the stage trying to balance the pies on the tray, when all villagers have fallen she finally balances pies standing centre stage.

 

ROSE:(triumphantly)Donít worry, everyone, the pies are safe!(notices VILLAGERS on the floor who are now all glaring at her)Oh.Sorry.

 

VILLAGER 4 who is closest to ROSE begins getting up as:

 

VILLAGER 4:You stupid girl!

 

ROSE turns quickly to VILLAGER 4 knocking VILLAGER 4 on the head with the tray and tipping pies all over him/her.

 

ROSE:Oops.Sorry.

 

VILLAGER 4:You idiot!Wait until we tell your mother about this!

 

VILLAGERS begins standing up and exiting, muttering and grumbling as:

 

ROSE:Oh please donít.Iím very, very sorry.I didnít mean it.Oh no, Iíve done it again, Iím always upsetting the villagers.I donít mean to but this is just such a fascinating book that I couldnít put it down andÖwellÖI suppose I should try sitting in one place and reading every once in a while.(notices audience)Oh hello.I didnít see you there.Nobody said we were having visitors today, well if they did I obviously wasnít paying attention.Let me introduce myself anyway, my nameís Rose and as youíve probably already guessed I can be a little clumsy sometimes.I donít mean to be, itís just everything I try to do always goes a bit wrong.And today is going to be worse than ever.My mother has ordered me to be on my best behaviour because weíre having a very special visitor today.Lord Dylan the Brave, the handsomest and richest lord in the land.Heís coming to meet my sister, Scarlett, my motherís hoping theyíll marry and then Lord Dylan will keep the village safe fromÖ

 

RUBY:(offstage)Rose!

 

ROSE:Oh thatís Grandma Ruby.Iím over here, Grandma!

 

RUBY enters right.

 

RUBY:There you are, Rose.Iíve just seen a huge crowd of people looking for your mother, what have you done now?

 

ROSE:I sort of knocked them all to the ground.

 

RUBY:How on earth did you manage that?Honestly, Rose, I donít know where you get your clumsiness from, not from my side of the family.Weíre famous for having the grace of ballerinas.

 

Music starts and RUBY dances like a ballerina for a moment, tries a leap and hurts her back.

 

ROSE:Erm, right.Iím sorry, Grandma, I donít mean to be clumsy.

 

RUBY:I know you didnít mean it, but youíve got to try and be more careful.(notices audience)Crikey, who are that lot?

 

ROSE:I donít know, they were just sat there staring at me.

 

RUBY:Oh not again.(name of theatre group) must be hoping to raise funds by selling tickets to watch us go about our daily business again.I wish theyíd stop it, weíve had court orders and everything.Well, now that youíre here I might as well make use of you.My nameís Grandma Ruby, welcome to our humble, little village.Now before we go any further there are a few simple rules you need to follow.One: Donít drink the water.Honestly, the toilets have packed in again and we have to go in the lake.Two: In the event of a fire donít use the water from the lake.Some peopleís eating habits will just make the situation worse and beside, then weíll have nowhere to go.Three: Donít eat the fish, if you want to know why, please see rule number one.Now that weíve got that out of the way Iíll tell you a little more about myself, Iíve got a lovely daughter, two beautiful granddaughters, (sadly) but none of us have a man.

 

AUDIENCE:Ahh.

 

RUBY:Weíre more pathetic and lonely than that, boys and girls.

 

AUDIENCE:Ahh.

 

RUBY:In fact, there are very few men in the whole village, partly due to the fact they were all mad keen on fishing.Theyíve all passed on.Theyíve not died, theyíve just gone somewhere cleaner.And that has left us poor women virtually defenceless against the ravages of the wolves that inhabit these parts.One in particular is called Big Bad, and heís the meanest, most vicious wolf to have ever lived.And he has been getting worse than ever recently, ever since Fairy Sparkles disappeared.We were supposed to have a replacement but she hasnít shown up and the wolves are getting bolder and bolder.But my daughter, Baroness Rubena has come up with a cunning plan.Sheíll marry her daughter Scarlett off to the handsome Lord Dylan and then heíll protect us from the wolves.But do you know what, Rose, I think the two of us should find men of our own to help out.What do you think?

 

ROSE:Erm, I suppose so.

 

RUBY:Great.Now donít take this the wrong way, Rose but I think Iíve got a better chance than you of finding a man, because although youíve got a beautiful face, great teeth, a lovely figure, eyes a man could drown in, a great personality, a dancerís like grace, an angelic singing voice, gorgeous hair, great taste in clothes, a warm and loving nature, a wonderful way with children, elegance and poise and a sizable dowry, Iíve got something you havenít.

 

ROSE:Whatís that?

 

RUBY:Not much time to be picky.Now are there any men out there who would like to marry meÖand to a lesser extent, Rose?(possible reaction)What do you think, Rose?Any takers?

 

ROSE:Iím not sure.Like you said, Iíve got time to be picky.

 

VILLAGERS begin to enter as:

 

RUBY:I think youíre right.Only the creepy ones responded.Itís like looking at my (dating website) inbox, only clothedÖand unpierced.But donít worry Iíve got a plan.Every time I come on Iíll shout out ďitís me, Grandma Ruby,Ē and then I want all of you to shout back ďphwoarĒ as loudly as you can.Hopefully Iíll then attract someone who isnít a social degenerate.Will you do that?

 

AUDIENCE:Yes.

 

RUBY:Lovely, letís have a practice. (exits then come back on)Itís me, Grandma Ruby!

 

AUDIENCE+VILLAGER+ROSE:Phwoar!

 

RUBY:Well that wasnít very good, Iíve heard (female politician) get more than that from a picket line.Letís have another go.(exits then come back on)Itís me, Grandma Ruby!

 

AUDIENCE+VILLAGER+ROSE:Phwoar!

 

RUBY:That was a bit better but letís have one more go and this time I want you to imagine Iím hotter than a jalapeno and vindaloo sandwich.(exits then come back on)Itís me, Grandma Ruby!

 

AUDIENCE+VILLAGER+ROSE:Phwoar!

 

RUBY:Thatís better, I feel all desirable now.I should probably have a cold shower to cool me down but we get the water from the lake.Now who wants sweeties?