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Curtain up on busy street scene. Everyone is wearing obviously big and expensive jewellery and there are many valuable looking objects lying around on stalls, next to boxes and crates etc. Everything needs to look rich and opulent.


SONG 1 Lively number performed by TOWNSFOLK.


ROMEO enters right.


ROMEO:Buongiorno, everybody.


TOWNSFOLK:Buongiorno, Romeo.


ROMEO:What a beautiful day, the sun is shining, the birds are singing and I havenít a care in the world and (notices AUDIENCE) who in the a heckio are you lot?


TOWNSPERSON 1:We donít know, theyíve just been sitting there enjoying our singing.


ROMEO:Are they deaf?


TOWNSPERSON 2:No, they just recognise great talent when they see it.


ROMEO:Blind then?


TOWNSPERSON 3:No, cheeky!


ROMEO:Well why are they here then? (points to AUDIENCE member) You sir/madam, where are you from? (AUDIENCE member answers) Ah, theyíre from (repeats location), that explains everything. Quickly, hide the valuables! (TOWNSFOLK and ROMEO quickly hide all the jewellery and valuables in boxes, transforming the set into something poor looking in a matter of seconds. TOWNSFOLK and ROMEO then look to AUDIENCE with innocent grins.)Welcome people of (location) to our humble Ė and very, very poor with nothing worth stealing at all Ė little town! Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Romeo Macaroni, son of Mama Macaroni, the owner of Mama Macaroniís pizza and pasta and all things grossly stereotypically Italian Food Emporium! Buongiorno! (pause) Well either youíre all very rude or none of you speak foreign. Buongiorno means Ďgood morningí in Italian, and Italian is the language of love. So, in order for us to get along, every time I come on Iíll shout out ĎBuongiorno, everybodyí and then I want you to all shout back ĎBuongiorno, Romeoí. Will you do that?




ROMEO:Great, letís have a practice. (exits and comes back on again) Buongiorno, everybody!




ROMEO:That wasnít very good. Less the language of love more the language of loathing. Letís have another go. (exits and comes back on again) Buongiorno, everybody!




ROMEO:That was a bit better, but you need to stoke your inner fires of passion and romance and love. Try imagining that youíre still members of the EU. (exits and comes back on again) Buongiorno, everybody!




ROMEO:That was great! I can feel your passion, I can feel your desireÖ


MAMA:(offstage) Romeo!


ROMEO:I can feel my mama! (realises what he just said) Euw! Thatís my mama coming. Iím out of here!


ROMEO exits left as MAMA MACARONI enters right.


MAMA:Romeo! Where is that useless boy? I heard him shouting earlier. Was he shouting at you lot for singing out of tune again?


TOWNSPERSON 1:Cheek! We didnít come here to be insulted!


MAMA:Why, where do you normally go, love?


TOWNSFOLK exit angrily.


MAMA:(calling after them) If youíre going back to the changing rooms can you please put your thongs away, I just mistook one for dental floss. Iíve got a horrible after taste in my mouth now. (notices AUDIENCE) Oh hiya, nobody told me we were having visitors. My nameís Mama Macaroni and I own Mama Macaroniís pizza and pasta and all things grossly stereotypically Italian Food Emporium, the finest restaurant for yards around. Now, it might surprise you to learn that despite my exotic looks, my gorgeous figure and my facial hair, Iím not a native Italian lady, Iím actually Welsh. I moved here when I married my gorgeous husband. The moment I laid eyes on him I knew he was the man for me, and it only took several months of torture and mental conditioning before he realised that I was the woman for him. He was a great Italian chef, but Iím afraid he pasta away a few years ago. Now I could penne a lot of food jokes but all I could come up with were a fusilli remarks. So, moving on.


SOFIA enters right.


SOFIA:Hello, Mama.


MAMA:Oh hello, Sofia. This is my daughter, boys and girls. Isnít she gorgeous, she looks just like I did when I was her age, before good food and gravity finally caught up with me. Iíve got two children, Sofia is lovely and hard-working and ever so helpful around the restaurant, my other child is called Romeo, and heís as useless as the Ďgí in lasagne.


SOFIA:Have you found him yet, Mama?


MAMA:No, but donít worry, Iíve got a trick to catch him. You see, boys and girls, Romeo has got quite a bit of his father in him, partly due to a mix up between my husbandís urn and the pot I keep the pasta flour in. So now he thinks heís something of a Casanova, but heís actually as good at romance as builders in Pisa are at tower construction. Thereís this one romantic phrase he canít resist responding to, itís ĎRomeo, Romeo wherefore art thou Romeo?í. But I canít shout as loud as I used to, so will you help me, boys and girls?




MAMA:Fabulous. After the count of three, weíll all shout out ĎRomeo, Romeo wherefore art thou Romeo?í Ready, one, two, three.


AUDIENCE+SOFIA:Romeo, Romeo wherefore art thou Romeo?


MAMA:Have you done it yet? Youíve got to be louder than that. Letís have another go. Ready, one, two, three.


AUDIENCE+SOFIA:Romeo, Romeo wherefore art thou Romeo?


MAMA:That was a bit better, but I still think you can be louder. Ready, one, two, three.


AUDIENCE+SOFIA:Romeo, Romeo wherefore art thou Romeo?


ROMEO enters left.


ROMEO:I am here fair Juliet ready to practice the language of love. (realises) Mama, you tricked me!


MAMA:I know, love, but youíve got work to do.


ROMEO:Work? Mama, please donít use bad language in front of the children.


SOFIA:Romeo, Iíve been working all morning on my own, itís time you did your share.


ROMEO:But workís boring and Iíve got important village idiot duties to perform.


SOFIA:Like what?


ROMEO:Pointing out womenís fashion mistakes.




SOFIA:Well that doesnít sound very safe. How about we a sing song instead, maybe itíll get us all in the mood for work.


MAMA:Fabulous idea, love. Maestro, hit it!


SONG 2 Lively number performed by MAMA, SOFIA, ROMEO and TOWNSFOLK.


Song finishes and TOWNSFOLK begin to exit as GEPPETTO enters right carrying a log.


GEPPETTO:Good morning, everyone!


MAMA:Oh Geppetto, I thought my heart was racing because of all that singing and dancing, but no it was you. This is Geppetto, boys and girls. Heís the local toy maker. Isnít he gorgeous? Heís Italyís answer to (male Welsh celebrity). Iíve been trying to pin him down for years, but heís a lot stronger than he looks and as slippery as an eel. Hello, handsome, have you got anything for a desperate Welsh woman?


ROMEO:A restraining order.


MAMA:Shut it, you! Mamaís on the pull.


ROMEO:Music to every childís ears.


SOFIA:What have you got there, Geppetto?


GEPPETTO:A piece of driftwood, Sofia, I found it washed up on the beach, I thought Iíd make something marvellous out it.


SOFIA:Like what?


GEPPETTO:Iím not sure yet, but I have had an idea of something Iíve wanted to make for some time, and this piece of wood might be just perfect.


MAMA:What is it that youíve wanted to make?


GEPPETTO:Something very special indeed, but Iíd prefer to keep it for a surprise, if you donít mind.


MAMA:Ooo, maybe heíll carve me a bust.


ROMEO:Well it will be more convincing than your other two.


MAMA:Oi, cheeky!


SOFIA:Well whatever it is I canít wait to see it.


GEPPETTO:Thank you, Sofia. Well, I canít stand around here all day chatting, Iíve got work to do, good day to you all.


GEPPETTO exits left.


MAMA:Geppettoís right, we canít stand around here all day either. Back to the restaurant the pair of you, thereís work to be done.