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ACT 1

SCENE 1

TOWN SQUARE

 

 

 

Before curtain rises PUSS enters moves downstage right and curls up on the ground.Curtain up on busy street scene.

 

SONG 1 Lively chorus number performed by TOWNSFOLK.

 

Song finishes, MOLLY enters right.

 

MOLLY:Good morning everyone.

 

TOWNSFOLK:Good morning, Molly.

 

MOLLY:Well I must say you were all in beautiful voice this morning, itís nice to hear all the townsfolk in a good mood.

 

TOWNSPERSON 1:Weíre not in a good mood, Molly.

 

MOLLY:Arenít you?

 

TOWNSPERSON 2:No, weíre just signing to try and cheer ourselves up.

 

MOLLY:Why, whatís wrong?

 

TOWNSPERSON 3:Itís that horrible ogre, he came into town again last night.

 

TOWNSPERSON 1:Yes, when are the king and queen going to do something about it, itís the fourth time this week.

 

MOLLY:Well they are trying their best, they have summoned all of the knights of the realm to try and deal with the problem.

 

TOWNSPERSON 2:Well a fat lot of good they have all been.

 

MOLLY:Well I canít argue with that, but we must keep faith that someday soon a great knight will come and save us.(notices AUDIENCE)Wait a minute, who are that lot?Looks as though we have visitors everybody, perhaps weíll find a noble knight amongst them. Hello everybody, allow me to introduce myself, my nameís Molly Mopitt, Nurse Molly Mopitt, to be precise, royal nursemaid to her highness Princess Katy and I bid you all welcome to our town and the kingdom of Carabas, youíll never find a nicer place to live.Well it used to be a nice place to live until the neighbour from hell moved in.Heís an ogre thatís lived in a castle not far from here for many years now and if that wasnít bad enough heís proclaimed himself King of the Goblins as well.The goblins were always there but our warriors could always deal with them easily enough, but that ogre is beyond them.Every now and again he comes down from the castle with his goblins throwing his weight around, taking whatever he likes from the good folk and giving nothing in return, heís worse than (local council).The king and queen are at their wits end, so what theyíve done is summoned all the knights in the land to come and try to slay the ogre and anyone who succeeds will win Princess Katyís hand in marriage.Sheís not very happy about it but sheís willing to do whatever must be done to save the town.Sheís ever such a good girl, I raised her myself you know.Unfortunately the knights that have turned up so far havenít been up to much, have they everybody.

 

TOWNSFOLK:No.

 

MOLLY:Do you remember the first one that tried to slay the ogre, he did nothing but dribble the entire time, Sir Liver his name was.Then there was the one who was a bit potty, Sir Amic.

 

TOWNSPERSON 1:What about the one that had just come back from a round the world trip.

 

MOLLY:Oh I remember him, Sir Cumnavigate.

 

TOWNSPERSON 2:One had an electric personality.

 

MOLLY:Sir Kit.And then there was that one who was a right clown.

 

TOWNSFOLK:Sir Cus.

 

TOWNSPERSON 3:What about that really sociable knight, I quite liked him, what was his name?

 

MOLLY:Sir Culate.And then there was the Jewish knight that no one can remember the name of, but Iím sure he was as useless as the rest of them.So you see, we have tried to slay the ogre but to no avail.But all we can do is hope that a hero will come and save us, and in the meantime we just sing!

 

SONG 2Short cheerful number performed by MOLLY and TOWNSFOLK.

 

Song finishes, TOWNSFOLK exit as PUSS wakes up and stretches himself.

 

MOLLY:Oh hello, Puss did we wake you up?This is Puss, boys and girls, heís a stray cat that wanders around the town.I would take him in at the palace but the king and queen wonít allow it, and no one else wants to take him in.I donít why because heís such a lovely kitty.(PUSS crosses to MOLLY and rubs against her leg.)Isnít he lovely, would you like a treat?(PUSS meows and MOLLY gives him a treat, PUSS then exits left)Oh I wish someone would take in the lovely little creature.

 

PRINCESS KATY enters right.

 

KATY:Hello, Molly.

 

MOLLY:Hello Katy, love...oh, I mean (curtsying) greetings your Royal Highness.

 

KATY:Itís ok, Molly, Mum and Dad arenít around, you can call me Katy.

 

MOLLY:Thatís a relief.This is Princess Katy, boys and girls, isnít she lovely, raised her myself you know.

 

KATY:Hello, everyone.

 

AUDIENCE:Hello.

 

MOLLY:Just a minute, if this lot are going to say hello to you all the time, it needs to be done properly.

 

KATY:Do we have to, Molly?

 

MOLLY:Yes, you know what your parents are like, if they hear all the boys and girls greeting you so informally there will be hell to pay.Theyíre a lovely king and queen, boys and girls, but theyíre a bit funny about protocol and etiquette and all that silly posh stuff.But donít worry you can still say hello to the princess every now and again, youíve just got to do it right, in fact, Katy this will work when your mum and dad come on too.Hereís what I want you to do, boys and girls, every time I say ďmake way for the royal familyĒ, I want all of you to bow in your seats and say ďgreetings your MajestiesĒ.Will you do that?

 

AUDIENCE:Yes.

 

MOLLY:Oh what a lovely bunch you are.

 

KATY:Not like last nightís audience with their silly ideas about democracy.

 

MOLLY:They were a bit of a funny bunch.Tell you what, letís have a practice, you go off, Katy, then come back on again and weíll give it a go.

 

KATY:Ok.

 

KATY exits right and then comes back on again.

 

MOLLY:Make way for the royal family!

 

AUDIENCE:Greetings your Majesties.

 

KATY:Well that wasnít very good.

MOLLY:Youíre right, letís give it another go.(KATY exits right and then comes back on again)Make way for the royal family!

 

AUDIENCE:Greetings your Majesties.

 

KATY:That was a bit better, but I think they could still be a little louder.

 

MOLLY:I think so too, letís give it one more go, boys and girls.

 

KATY exits right and then comes back on again.

 

MOLLY:Make way for the royal family!

 

AUDIENCE:Greetings your Majesties.

 

KATY:That was wonderful.

 

MOLLY:Much better, your parents will be ever so impressed when they hear that.Speaking of your parents and protocol, should you really be walking around the town on your own?

 

KATY:I know Iím not supposed to but Iím fed up of sitting in the palace on my own waiting for some silly new knight to turn up.

 

MOLLY:Speaking of which, have you heard who the latest is going to be?

 

KATY:No, who?

 

MOLLY:Sir Darcy Dashing!

 

KATY:Really, heís said to be gorgeous.

 

MOLLY:I know.

 

KATY:It will make such a nice change from all the weirdoes that usually turn up.Do you remember the one that claimed he was the most qualified knight in the world, Sir Tificate.

 

KATY laughs at her own joke.

 

MOLLY:Weíve already done the knight jokes, love.(fanfare)What was that?

 

CREEP and CRAWL enter left.

 

CREEP:My lords, ladies and gentlemen...

 

CRAWL:...prepare to be awed...

 

CREEP:...astounded...

 

CRAWL:...and amazed...

 

CREEP:...as we present to you the most magnificent...

 

CRAWL:...the most fabulous...

 

CREEP:...slayer of dragons...

 

CRAWL:...rescuer of damsels...

 

CREEP:...the embezzlement of gorgeousness...(CRAWL whispers in CREEPíS ear)...sorry, the embodiment of gorgeousness...

 

CREEP+CRAWL:...Sir Darcy Dashing!

 

SIR DARCY DASHING enters left and strikes a heroic pose, followed by GROUPIES.DARCY snaps fingers and GROUPIES scream hysterically, he snaps fingers again and then they stop.

 

DARCY:Greetings mortals, apologies for my lateness, I had to wrestle a dragon to get here...

 

CREEP,CRAWL+GROUPIES:Gasp!

 

DARCY:...cross a desert...

 

CREEP, CRAWL+GROUPIES:Ooo!

 

DARCY:...slay a giant...

 

CREEP, CRAWL+GROUPIES:Wow!

 

DARCY:...throw a ring into mountain of fire...

 

CREEP, CRAWL+GROUPIES:Hooray!

 

DARCY:...and find some kidís lost puppy.

 

CREEP, CRAWL+GROUPIES:Ahh.

 

DARCY:So youíll have to forgive me if Iím a little tardy.

 

WILL staggers on left laden with baggage including a pair of boots.

 

WILL:Itís ok, Iíve got it all, I donít need any help, Iíll be fine.(WILL trips and drops everything)Oops, sorry.

 

DARCY:Unfortunately I lost my horse on the way so had to get my lackey to carry everything for me.

 

WILL:Yes, and itís all awfully heavy, very difficult even if the road we travelled down was pretty straight, flat and obstacle free.

 

DARCY:Donít you mean that I had to wrestle a dragon to get here...

 

CREEP,CRAWL+GROUPIES:Gasp!

 

DARCY:...cross a desert...

 

CREEP, CRAWL+GROUPIES:Ooo!

 

DARCY:...slay a giant...

 

CREEP, CRAWL+GROUPIES:Wow!

 

DARCY:...throw a ring into mountain of fire...

 

CREEP, CRAWL+GROUPIES:Hooray!

 

DARCY:...and find some kids lost puppy...

 

CREEP, CRAWL+GROUPIES:Ahh.

 

DARCY:...to get here?

 

WILL:(unconvincingly)Oh yeah, that too.

 

DARCY notices KATY.

 

DARCY:I say, whoís the corking bit of crumpet?

 

KATY:Who me?Oh, Iím Princess Katy.

 

DARCY:Well I heard you were a cracker and now Iím glad I travelled all this way to pull you.(DARCY snaps fingers and CREEP, CRAWL and GROUPIES laugh hysterically, snaps his fingers again and they suddenly stop)Pleased to meet you, gorgeous, now, I hear you have an ogre problem.

 

KATY:Oh yes, heís terrible, he rampages through the town and...

 

DARCY:Say no more, sweet cheeks, Iíll have this sorted out in a jiffy.(draws sword)Have at thee, you fiend!

 

DARCY swings sword at MOLLY.

 

MOLLY:Hey, watch it!Youíre going to hurt someone with that if youíre not careful.

 

DARCY:Thatís the general idea, ogre scum.Die!

 

DARCY raises sword to strike MOLLY.

 

KATY:Wait!This isnít the ogre.

 

DARCY:It isnít?

 

KATY:No, this is my nurse, Molly.

 

DARCY:Nurse?

 

KATY:Yes.

 

DARCY:Are you sure sheís not an ogre?

 

KATY:Positive.

 

DARCY:Minotaur?

 

KATY:No.

 

DARCY:Demon?

 

KATY:Certainly not?

 

DARCY:MP for the (current government) party?

 

MOLLY:You cheeky swine!