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ACT 1

SCENE 1

 

 

 

Curtain up on lively street scene.TOWNSFOLK mingle about, chatting, children playing etc.

 

SONG 1Lively chorus number.

 

BUTTONS enters right.

 

BUTTONS:Hi everyone.

 

TOWNSFOLK:Hi Buttons.

 

BUTTONS:What a beautiful day, the sun is shining, thereís not a single cloud in the sky, the birds are bursting into song, though a little more in tune that the chorus...

 

TOWNSFOLK:Hey!

 

TOWNSPERSON 1:Iíll have you know we were perfectly in tune.

 

BUTTONS:The conductor doesnít think so.

 

TOWNSPERSON 1:What would he know, he knows so little about music he used to be a drummer.

 

TOWNSPERSON 2:Yeah, he gave it up and became a conductor when he lost one of his drumsticks.

 

TOWNSFOLK laugh.

 

BUTTONS:Alright, alright, Iíll do the jokes.(notices AUDIENCE)Hello, who are this lot?Nobody told me we were having visitors.Well as youíre here I suppose I should introduce myself.My nameís Buttons, son of Clasp, son of Lacings, son of Ties, son of Zip, a man well ahead of his time.(expectant pause)This is the point when youíre supposed to tell me who you are.(pause)Ok, it seems like youíre going to need some encouragement.Hereís what weíre going to do, Iíll count to three then I want you all to shout out your names at once.Will you do that?

 

AUDIENCE:Yes.

 

BUTTONS:You donít sound too sure.I said will you do that?

 

AUDIENCE:Yes.

 

BUTTONS:Great, after three then.One, two, three.(AUDIENCE shout out their names)Well I didnít get any of that so I tell you what, Iíll call you Bob.And in the interest of being polite every time I come on Iíll shout out ďnice to see you, BobĒ and then I want all of you to shout back ďnice to see you too, ButtonsĒ as loud as you can.Will you do that?

 

AUDIENCE:Yes.

 

BUTTONS:Great, letís have a practice.(BUTTONS exits right then comes back on)Nice to see you, Bob.

 

AUDIENCE+TOWNSFOLK:Nice to see you too, Buttons.

 

BUTTONS:Well that wasnít very good, it doesnít sound as if itís nice to see me at all.Letís have another go.†† (BUTTONS exits right then comes back on)Nice to see you, Bob.

 

AUDIENCE+TOWNSFOLK:Nice to see you too, Buttons.

 

BUTTONS:That was a bit better.Letís give it one more go and this time I want you to imagine that Iím a baker who has just invented calorie free cream buns.(BUTTONS exits right then comes back on)Nice to see you, Bob.

 

AUDIENCE+TOWNSFOLK:Nice to see you too, Buttons.

 

BUTTONS:Thatís better.Now that weíre better acquainted Iím going to let you into a little secret.Iím in love.Now I want you to keep it a secret because no one else knows anything about it.

 

TOWNSPERSON 1 crosses to BUTTONS.

 

TOWNSPERSON 1:Hi Buttons.

 

BUTTONS:Hi.

 

TOWNSPERSON 1:Have you asked Cinderella out yet?

 

BUTTONS:What?

 

TOWNSPERSON 1:Have you asked Cinderella out yet?

 

TOWNSPERSON 2 crosses to BUTTONS.

 

TOWNSPERSON 2:Oh yes, if you havenít you really must.

 

BUTTONS:Must I?

 

TOWNSFOLK:Oh yes, you must.

 

TOWNSPERSON 1:But donít worry, we know itís a secret, donít we everyone.

 

TOWNSFOLK:Oh yes, itís a secret.

TOWNSPERSON 2:We wonít tell a soul that you love, Cinderella.

 

TOWNSFOLK:No, not a soul.

 

BUTTONS:Good, just so long as no one else knows that I love Cinderella then Iíll be fine.

 

CINDERELLA enters right.

 

CINDERELLA:Hi Buttons.

 

BUTTONS:Cinderella!Itís Cinderella everyone, (unconvincingly) the girl I donít love and adore and who I wouldnít pluck the stars from the sky for and I donít worship the ground upon which she treads, and I absolutely, positively, without a shadow of doubt do not have a collection of photos of her sleeping that I have stuck up on a wall and arranged in such a way that they spell out her name.

 

CINDERELLA:Buttons, what are you talking about?

 

BUTTONS:Nothing.Why arenít you locked up in the basement?

 

CINDERELLA:I sneaked out, itís far too nice a day to be shut up indoors, I wanted to be out in the sunshine.

 

BUTTONS:If your stepmother and sisters find out thereíll be trouble.

 

CINDERELLA:Thatís worrying me too.You will protect me from them, wonít you, Buttons?

 

BUTTONS:Youíve got nothing to worry about with me around, when it comes to your sisters thereís one thing that I always say.

 

CINDERELLA:Whatís that?

 

HYACINTH+PETUNIA:(offstage)Cinderella!

 

BUTTONS:Hide.

 

BUTTONS and CINDERELLA hide behind TOWNSFOLK as HYACINTH and PETUNIA enter left.

 

HYACINTH+PETUNIA:Cinderella!

 

HYACINTH:Where is she then?I swear I heard that little bratís voice.

 

PETUNIA:Sheís probably hiding under a rock with the rest of the slime.

 

HYACINTH and PETUNIA laugh.HYACINTH notices AUDIENCE.

 

HYACINTH:Speaking of slime, girlfriend, look, the place is full of it!

 

PETUNIA:Eeuw!Children!Lots of horrible, disgusting, little children.I am so grossed out.

 

HYACINTH:Children?I thought they were a bunch of fat, little trolls.

 

PETUNIA:Oh no, girlfriend, these arenít trolls, trolls are prettier than children.

 

HYACINTH:Yeah, and children are far, more like stupider.

 

PETUNIA:Yeah, not like us who are like well educated.

 

HYACINTH:Do you think it would be like so beneath us if we like introduced ourselves?

 

PETUNIA:No, we could say itís like charity work or something.Greetings, peasants, my nameís Petunia.

 

HYACINTH:And my nameís Hyacinth, and weíre like so gorgeous.Arenít we.

 

AUDIENCE+TOWNSFOLK:No.

 

HYACINTH+PETUNIA:Oh yes we are!

 

AUDIENCE+TOWNSFOLK:Oh no youíre not!

 

HYACINTH+PETUNIA:Oh yes we are!

 

AUDIENCE+TOWNSFOLK:Oh no youíre not!

 

HYACINTH+PETUNIA:Shut it!

 

HYACINTH:Yeah, or weíll get (latest celebrity adopting random kids) to come and adopt you.Then youíll be sorry.

 

PETUNIA:What would any of you know about beauty anyway, we have been compared to movie stars like (popular movies actress)...

 

HYACINTH:...(another popular movie actress)...

 

PETUNIA:...(and another)...

 

BUTTONS:...Godzilla...

 

HYACINTH:...Godzill...Godzilla?!

 

PENTUNIA:Who said that?!

 

HYACINTH:Ignore them, Petunia, theyíre just jealous because weíve got bodies like (famous model)...

 

PETUNIA:...(another famous model)...

 

HYACINTH:...(and another)...

 

CINDERELLA:...King Kong...

 

PETUNIA:...King Ko...King Kong?!

 

HYACINTH:I smell something fishy here and for once itís not your breath.

 

PETUNIA:No, itís something els...what do you mean my breath?!

 

HYACINTH:Shut up a minute, I have a plan.

 

HYACINTH and PETUNIA put heads together and whisper to each other. Agree upon a plan and then turn back to AUDIENCE and begin overacting, pretending to talk casually when they plainly arenít.

 

PETUNIA:Have you heard the news, Hyacinth?

 

HYACINTH:What news is that, Petunia?

 

PETUNIA:Well, you know our sister, Cinderella?

 

HYACINTH:You mean the smelly one with medical condition that we donít talk about?

 

PETUNIA:Yes, thatís her.

 

HYACINTH:What about her, Petunia?

 

PETUNIA:Well, you know that bloke who works for us, Buttons?

 

HYACINTH:You mean the smelly one with medical condition that we donít talk about?

 

PETUNIA:Yes, thatís him.

 

HYACINTH:What about him, Petunia?

 

PETUNIA:Well apparently he has a secret

 

HYACINTH:Is it the one involving the internet, a bunny rabbit and a gorilla outfit?

 

PETUNIA:No, not that secret, his other secret.

 

HYACINTH:Oh, what secret is that then?

 

PETUNIA:Apparently, and donít tell anyone this because no one is supposed to know, heís like totally in love with Cin....

 

BUTTONS moves upstage.

 

BUTTONS:Hyacinth, Petunia, how lovely to see you both.

 

HYACINTH:Buttons, what a surprise.

 

PETUNIA moves towards CINDERELLAíS hiding place.

 

PETUNIA:And whereís thereís one rat...(reaches behind TOWNSPERSON and pulls CINDERELLA out by her ear) thereís another.

 

CINDERELLA:Ow!

 

HYACINTH:What are you doing out of the basement?

 

TOWNSFOLK begin to exit.

 

CINDERELLA:I just wanted some fresh air.

 

PETUNIA:Fresh air?Fresh air?Whatís next, a diamond necklace and three square meals a day?

 

HYACINTH:She is so selfish, Petunia.

 

PETUNIA:Totally.Not like us, weíre well considerate.

 

HYACINTH:Whoís supposed to make our dinner whilst sheís out having fresh air?

 

PETUNIA:I think we should tell mummy, Hyacinth.

 

CINDERELLA:Oh no, please donít.

 

HYACINTH:I think we should too.

 

CINDERELLA:I promise not to do it again, Iíll go back to the basement and start cooking straight away.

 

PETUNIA:Cooking what?

 

CINDERELLA:Oh your favourite.

 

HYACINTH:With double cream?

 

CINDERELLA:Yes.

 

PETUNIA:And chocolate?

 

CINDERELLA:Of course.

 

HYACINTH:And lard?

 

CINDERELLA:It wouldnít be the same without it.

 

PETUNIA:Go on then, Iím in a charitable mood, just this once we wonít tell mummy.

 

CINDERELLA:Oh thank you, thank you!

 

HYACINTH:But if we see your ugly, fat face in the street again, youíre in so much trouble.

 

PETUNIA:Now get out of here and cook...

 

HYACINTH:...and clean...

 

PETUNIA:...and polish...

 

HYACINTH:...and scrub...

 

PETUNIA:...and wash...

 

HYACINTH:...and iron...

 

PETUNIA:...but most of all...

 

HYACINTH+PETUNIA:...go!

 

CINDERELLA exits right sadly.