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This is not a show for the faint hearted. A hilarious pantomime that has overcome the problem of a certain multi-billion dollar company's refusal to allow people to use their dwarves names. I came up with better ones. Great parts for both kids and adults.
SCENE 1(Part Scene Only)
Curtain up on village fair, brightly coloured banners, balloons and stalls decorate stage. A pile of presents stand at front of stage left. VILLAGERS are dressed in bright clothing, children are playing games, there is a general party atmosphere.
SONG 1 Lively chorus number.
BETTY enters left.
BETTY: Good morning everyone.
BETTY: The decorations look lovely everyone, the princess is going to be pleased as punch. (sees AUDIENCE) Oh hello, it seems we have some unexpected guests. Its a pleasure to meet you all, my names Nurse Betty. Now, many of you may be wondering what on earth all the fuss is about, well Ill tell you. Today is the eighteenth birthday of the Princess Snow White and were having a bit of a party for her, because shes such a lovely girl. Well Im a bit biased actually, you see Ive been looking after Princess Snow White ever since she was a tiny baby as her poor mother had passed away, so you see shes like a daughter to me. The thing is the time for her needing a nurse is drawing to an end, shes all grown up now and shell be off getting married and having children of her own soon. (filling up) What will become of me, what will I do then, Ill be out of a job.
BETTY: Oh thank you for your sympathy boys and girls, its nice to know you care, particularly as Im a virtual stranger to you. But dont worry, Im sure something will come up. Well this isnt getting the party ready in time for the princesss arrival is it. Now heres what I want you to do, when Snow White comes on I want you all to shout out "happy birthday Princess" as loud as you can, will you do that?
BETTY: Oh, youre ever such a lovely bunch. Now lets have a practice shall we. After three, one, two, three.
AUDIENCE: Happy birthday Princess.
BETTY: Thats such a good effort, but I think you can do a little better than that. Lets try it again shall we, one, two, three.
AUDIENCE: Happy birthday Princess.
BETTY: Wonderful, shell love that. She always says that a warm welcome is better than a hundred expensive presents, but then wed all say that if our father was a king and bought us anything we wanted any day of the week. Not that shes spoilt, but she can be a bit of a funny girl sometimes. She has a very overactive imagination, she keeps saying that none of this is real and its all a charade for one thing. Have you ever heard anything so daft in all your life? Well it seems everything is ready for the party, (fanfare) and not a moment too soon, because here she comes.
VILLAGERS cheer as SNOW WHITE and KING JOHN enter left.
SNOW WHITE: Thank you everyone for that warm welcome, I would just like to say that coming here amongst you all is always my favourite part of any birthday. (VILLAGERS cheer) Its just lovely to be greeted in such a way.
BETTY: We havent finished yet. (to AUDIENCE) Ready, one, two, three.
AUDIENCE: Happy birthday Princess.
SNOW WHITE: Thank you everyone.
BETTY: I trained them myself you know.
KING: Bring out the cake!
Two VILLAGERS bring cake on stage.
SONG 2 Happy Birthday sung by ALL.
BETTY: Blow out the candles and make a wish. (SNOW WHITE blows out candles) What did you wish for?
SNOW WHITE: I cant tell you that, it wont come true. Thank you everyone, thank you for giving me a wonderful birthday.
KING: It isnt finished yet, there will be a big party at the castle and you still have your presents to open.
SNOW WHITE: Oh you havent got me presents as well? Really, its just too much.
BETTY: Oh dont tell fibs, you love it really.
SNOW WHITE: Ok, maybe just a bit. (SNOW WHITE goes to presents) Which shall I open first?
BETTY: Whichever one you choose just make sure you leave the one from me until you get back to the castle, its girlie thing and not to be seen by kiddies. Tell you what, open the big one.
KING: Whos it from?
SNOW WHITE reads label.
SNOW WHITE: It says here its from the Seven Dwarves.
Gasps from VILLAGERS.
KING: The Seven Dwarves? What nonsense, theyre just a myth.
SNOW WHITE: Its not nonsense father, its true.
KING: Oh Snow White, youre still given to flights of fancy. I remember when you were a child, you believed that one day men would walk on the moon and fly in great machines. What did you call them now ?
BETTY: Hairy planes and belly poppers.
KING: That was it. Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous?
SNOW WHITE: Its true father, the dwarves do exist, I dont care what you say.
KING: Snow White, you are to be Queen one day, its time you stopped these silly childish fantasies and started taking on a little more responsibility. Now, enough of the lectures, its your birthday. Open your presents.
SNOW WHITE: Yes father. (SNOW WHITE opens present from dwarves to reveal ROBOT DANCER. A large button saying "press here" is on ROBOT.) What on earth is it?
KING: It seems to be some sort of mechanical person.
BETTY: What does that button do?
SNOW WHITE: Only one way to find out.
SNOW WHITE reaches for button.
KING: Careful Snow White, it could be dangerous.
SNOW WHITE pushes button. ROBOT comes to life and moves centre stage.
DANCE 1 ROBOT DANCER.
ROBOT finishes dance, applause from ALL.
SNOW WHITE: How wonderful!
BETTY: It is very lifelike, I wonder if they come in fireman shape.
KING: It certainly is most remarkable, who could have built such a thing?
SNOW WHITE: The dwarves father, who else.
KING: Now Snow White, I am not going to tell you again, there are no Seven Dwarves.
SNOW WHITE: But the legends say that the dwarves do build wonderful
KING: Enough Snow White. Its obviously some sort of practical joke, I think we need to get this thing back to the castle and study it further. (points to a couple of VILLAGERS) You there, give us a hand with this will you.
VILLAGERS pick up ROBOT and carry it off left followed by KING and BETTY.
SNOW WHITE: No one believes me. Ok, I must admit that in the past Ive come up with some pretty wild fantasies about what happens in the future, but the dwarves do exist, I just know that they do. Father thinks I should spend more time thinking about trade and border disputes and public sanitation, whatever that is. Its just all so boring. Isnt there any magic left in the world?
SONG 3 SNOW WHITE.
Song ends, SNOW WHITE exits left. EDWARD enters right.
EDWARD: What a lovely day, the birds are singing, the sun is shinning, the (notices scenery around him) hello, whats going on here then? Seems to be some sort of a celebration, and that means a party. Hang on, its too early in the morning for a party, these people must be crazy. (pause) This coming from the man standing in the middle of the street talking to himself. (goes to VILLAGER) Good day to you my good woman.
VILLAGER: Good day sir.
EDWARD: You seem to be having a bit of a celebration, whats the occasion?
VILLAGER: Why, its Princess Snow Whites birthday of course.
EDWARD: Princess Snow White? Theres a Princess Snow White?
VILLAGER: Of course sir, you must be from a long way off not to have heard of Princess Snow White.
VILLAGER moves on.
EDWARD: I only live about a mile away. Maybe this is sign that I should get out more? Or it could be the fact that Ive gone back to talking to myself is a sign that I should get out more. (SNOW WHITE enters left and looks at stalls and talks to VILLAGERS.) Phaw, check her out, shes a real beauty. Now shes definitely a sign that I should get out more. I think some of the old Eddy charm is called for here. (goes to SNOW WHITE) Greetings fair maiden.
SNOW WHITE: Hello.
VILLAGERS begin to exit.
EDWARD: Is there an airport nearby or is that the sound of my heart taking off?
SNOW WHITE: I dont know, whats an airport?
EDWARD: Er, its a thing well have in the future.
SNOW WHITE: Oh, what are they for?
EDWARD: Well, going on holidays and stuff.
SNOW WHITE: What sort of stuff?
EDWARD: Well you know, stuff its not important. The point is, is that the sound of my heart taking off?
SNOW WHITE: (listens) I dont know, I cant hear anything.
EDWARD: No, you dont understand there isnt actually a sound.
SNOW WHITE: There isnt?
EDWARD: Technically no, but what Im trying to
SNOW WHITE: So this sound is all in your mind?
EDWARD: No, I think
SNOW WHITE: And why would your heart takeoff anyway, wouldnt you die without it?
EDWARD: Well, yes but
SNOW WHITE: And an airport sounds silly, why would anyone want to port air, surely youd want to keep it where its convenient.
EDWARD: No, I dont think youre getting my point, Im trying to introduce myself.
SNOW WHITE: Well youve got a funny way of doing it. Perhaps you would have more success if you stopped going on about hearts and airports and just said something like, hello, whats your name?
SNOW WHITE: What?
EDWARD: My name, its Edward, you asked.
SNOW WHITE: I did? Oh, well my names Snow White.
EDWARD: Its a pleasure to meet wait a minute, Snow White? The Princess Snow White?
SNOW WHITE: Know any other girls with such a weird name?
EDWARD: Come to think of it, no.
SNOW WHITE: It is a bit of a funny name, I dont know why my parents gave it to me. I would have been happy with something like Sharon or Trish or Sarah or Tracy or
EDWARD: Listen Snow White, you seem really, really nice and funny and I would love to stay here I really would, but I dont think I should be talking to you.
SNOW WHITE: Why?
EDWARD: Well, you know, what with you being a princess and everything, I think you may be a little out of my league. And besides, I kind of like my head where it is, I wouldnt like to guess where it would end up if the king found me chatting you up. It was nice meeting you, but bye.
EDWARD runs off right.
SNOW WHITE: Funny boy. A pity he wouldnt stay and talk, he was nice, if a little weird. I know, Im having a bit of a birthday party at the castle later, perhaps hed like to come. (calling) Edward, wait!
SNOW WHITE runs off right. VINNIE and VINCE creep on right, begin scouting around the stage using military style hand signals to direct each other. See AUDIENCE, both scream and take on defensive postures.