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ACT 1

SCENE 1

TOWN SQUARE

 

 

 

A cheerful winter scene, snow on rooftops, perhaps some Christmas decorations, townspeople are dressed for winter.

 

SONG 1  Lively chorus number, performed by TOWNSPEOPLE.

 

BARMY BONNIE enters right singing loudly and out of tune the song the chorus have just finished singing.  TOWNSPEOPLE put hands over their ears.

 

TOWNSPERSON 1:  Shut up, Bonnie!

 

TOWNSPERSON 2:  Enough of the singing!

 

BONNIE:  Don’t you like my singing?

 

TOWNSPERSON 1:  How do we put this gently?

 

TOWNSPEOPLE:  NO!

 

BONNIE:  But I really wanted to sing with you all.

 

TOWNSPERSON 2:  We’ve already sung.

 

TOWNSPERSON 3:  You’re late, as usual.

 

BONNIE:  Aw, I missed it, I’m always missing things, that is so unfair.  (notices AUDIENCE)  Oh hello, you don’t look like you’re from here.  I’d better introduce myself, my name’s Bonnie, sometimes known as Barmy Bonnie.  They call me that because they think I’m a bit daft, but I’ll let you into a little secret, I’m not really, I’m actually highly intellectual, no one else in the town knows it though.

 

TOWNSPERSON 1:  We’re still here you know.

 

BONNIE:  Oh.  I knew that.  The problem is no one else in the town is as modern and cool as I am so sometimes they don’t really understand what I’m saying but I can tell that you are all my kind of people and we’re all going to be BFF’s, best friends forever.  Hey, I’ve got an awesome idea.  Every time I come on I’ll shout out “BFF boys and girls” and you can all shout back “BFF girlfriend”.  Will you do that?

 

AUDIENCE:  Yes.

 

BONNIE:  Great let’s have a practice.

 

BONNIE runs off right then comes back on.

 

BONNIE:  BFF boys and girls.

 

AUDIENCE+TOWNSPEOPLE:  BFF girlfriend.

 

BONNIE:  Let’s be honest, that was rubbish.  I think we’d better have another go.

 

BONNIE runs off right then comes back on.

 

BONNIE:  BFF boys and girls.

 

AUDIENCE+TOWNSPEOPLE:  BFF girlfriend.

 

BONNIE:  That was a bit better but I still think you can be louder.  Let’s have one more go and this time I want you to scream just like when you’re a having a massive tantrum, and kids I want you to do it too.

 

BONNIE runs off right then comes back on.

 

BONNIE:  BFF boys and girls.

 

AUDIENCE+TOWNSPEOPLE:  BFF girlfriend.

 

BONNIE:  That was awesome!  You are the best BFF’s ever!

 

GERTA enters right.

 

GERTA:  Bonnie, there you are, I’ve been looking for you everywhere.

 

BONNIE:  Have you, why?

 

GERTA:  You’ve forgotten something again.

 

BONNIE:  What is it this time? 

 

NANNA:  (offstage)  Bonnie!

 

BONNIE:  Oh, now I remember. 

 

NANNA HELGA enters right. 

 

NANNA:  Bonnie!

 

BONNIE:  Hello, Nanna Helga.  BFF?

 

NANNA:  Don’t you “BFF” me, young lady.  Where have you been?

 

BONNIE:  I’ve been talking to all the boys and girls like it told me to in the script.

 

NANNA:  You’ve been talking to the who and the what?  (notices audience)  Ooh, visitors.  You didn’t tell me we had company, I thought it was just the usual local riffraff.

 

TOWNSPERSON 1:  We’re still here you know.

 

NANNA:  I know, don’t you all have jobs to go to.  (TOWNSPEOPLE exit grumbling)  You’ve got to be firm with the locals, give them half the chance and they’ll spend all day in the street singing and moving to simple but effective dance routines.  (Local Town) is the same, that’s when they’re not rioting because the leather thong factory has gone on strike again.  But it’s nice to see we’ve got a better class of audience in tonight.  (to audience member)  Where’re you from, love?  (audience member responds)  Oh, maybe not then.  Allow me to introduce myself anyway, my name’s Nanna Helga and welcome to the town of Buxomburg where the women are all blessed and the men even more so.  Have you met my two lovely granddaughters?  This is Gerta, she’s beautiful, clever, brave and wonderful in every way and this Barmy Bonnie, who’s…quite nice too.

 

BONNIE:  Hey!

 

NANNA:  It’s your own fault.  I told you to keep an eye on my washing.

 

BONNIE:  I forgot.

 

NANNA:  I know you forgot.  Look!  (holds up tiny dolls dress)  How am I supposed to get into that?

 

BONNIE:  You could go on a diet.

 

NANNA:  You cheeky…

 

GERTA:  Maybe you could stretch it out, Nanna?

 

NANNA:  Stretch it out?  Stretch it out?  I can’t stretch that, I’d have to stretch that more than (topical politician) stretches the truth.  It’s ruined and it’s all your fault Bonnie. 

 

BONNIE:  I’m sorry, Nanna.

 

NANNA:  Oh it’s alright, but how’re you supposed to find yourself a nice husband if you keep doing things like this?

 

BONNIE:  I don’t want a husband, Gerta’s more into that sort of thing.

 

GERTA:  No I’m not!

 

BONNIE:  Yes you are, you’re always hanging around Kai.  You love him.

 

GERTA:  I don’t love him…I’m just interested in watching his fighting techniques.

 

NANNA:  Is that what you call it.  He is nice though.  Let me tell you all about Kai, boys and girls.  He’s a member of the Buxomburg army that’s led by my son Baron Olaf.  And Kai isn’t just any member of the army, he’s the finest swordsman I’ve ever seen.  Every year the Snow Queen tries to send her evil forces through the mountain passes and every year Baron Olaf leads the army to stop them, and since Kai joined, the Snow Queen just keeps getting pushed further and further back.  Ooh, take it from me, girls, he’s gorgeous, and not only that, he likes wearing tights so if you get a ladder in yours you can always borrow a pair of his.  (to audience member)  What’s that, love?  Your husband wears tights too?  But only on his head…for work?  He’s a bank robber.  Oh lovely, anyway back to the show.  I think it’s time we had a bit of singsong.  What’s do you think, girls?

 

TOWNSPEOPLE begin entering.

 

GERTA:  We’d love too, Nanna.

 

BONNIE:  I love singing.

 

NANNA:  Wonderful.  Music maestro, please.